The Fog of the Unknown
Sitting in the uncomfortable foggy unknown is a well trodden path for so many autistic folk.
For many of us, we have lived our lives having to second guess, reels of time pondering meaning, years working out and analysing conversations, and reliving desperately embarrassing/awkward/painful memories, where we feel we just got it ‘wrong’, but we are not sure how or why.
It is extremely common for many autistic people to be in the unknown. To be in this murky grey foggy area that feels incredibly hard to escape from.
Why might this be?
Autistic nervous systems are highly detailed, intricate, and intense. We take in a tremendous amount of molecular information from our environments and the people in them, which is both a wondrous yet exhausting thing to have.
We are also highly likely to be monotropic processors, which I believe is a lot to do with that abundantly detailed nervous system. When we are absorbed into the detail, we are absorbed! Preferring to tunnel into that detail even deeper, to work it all out, to gain all that clarification.
We are also highly likely bottom-up processors, again all linked to a detailed monotropic nervous system. We gather all that molecular detail first, before being able to accurately build up the picture, context, meaning, or intent. Rather than taking a top-level sweeping view.
So all that put together, picking up the detail of our environments, tunnelling into that detail, and needing the detail before reaching context, means that we might not feel completely in the picture sometimes! We might need a little more time to process, we might get stuck on one bit of detail that takes our interest and start tunnelling into it, our environments might be too overwhelming (too detailed) for us to focus on what we might want to focus on, or quite often, people don’t give us the amount of detail and clarification that we actually need in order to build context or meaning.
Let’s add in a neuronormative society and double empathy into that, where our authentic autistic way of being is not often accepted and understood. Where we, more often than not, have to adapt to a more ‘normal’, ‘acceptable’ way of being, communicating, and behaving. To not be so detailed or ask for clarification and you can start to see why many of us autistic folk are left in the ‘what the f*ck is going on’ fog!
The impacts of being in the unknown can be huge.
Let’s take some of our coping mechanisms or trauma responses. Masking is a common unconscious trauma response that pushes down our need for that detail and clarification, and promotes ways of being that are more normatively socially acceptable. The “why, what, how, when” that runs a lot in my head was massively pushed down, particularly at school, where, weirdly, asking questions was seen as rude!? So I learnt not to do it, I still felt all of it, I still needed the detail and clarification, but I leant not to seek it, not to ask for fear of judgement and punishment.
These instances of not knowing and having to adapt, pretend, and push down, ended up creating internalised shameful thoughts like ‘You are thick’, ‘You are rubbish’, ‘You are wrong’, ‘Just be quiet’…
Being in the unknown, also does not fit well with my authentic highly detailed monotropic nervous system. Autistic people often need the detail in order to work out context, so without detail, my monotropic way of processing can’t sometimes get to the context, and I can not get to an ending. So I am left, stuck halfway down that monotropic tunnel, thinking over and over again. Ruminating, catastrophising.
A classic example of this happened recently when I tried to book a follow up appointment with a doctor. “The doctor will be in touch once he has reviewed the notes”.
GAAAAHHH!!!! Says my nervous system!
Firstly, I am wondering which notes he is reading. Secondly, I am considering how long this will take. When will he get in touch? How will he reach out? Will I receive a random phone call (since I do not answer unknown calls and rarely have my phone on loud, as it scares me too much, I am likely to miss a call)? And then what? What is the plan after all of that?
I also easily experience a tremendous hit from Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia (RSD), and when I hear “The doctor will be in touch”, my trauma-driven brain kicks me in the gut with a wave of shame and rejection. Perhaps my doctor just doesn’t want to see me; maybe I didn’t explain things properly; he may have misunderstood because I seemed too anxious or overwhelmed…the spiteful list of internalised shame could go on!
So, I am left. In the grey, murky, foggy, fearful unknown. I feel frozen, as my detailed hungry mind searches through all these questions, yet, my trauma experience tells me not to ask, as I might be perceived as ‘too anxious’ or ‘too rude’. I am stuck halfway down that monotropic tunnel, with no ending in sight.
My mind will now be spiralling into loops of concern, trying to reach the end of that monotropic tunnel by filling those missing bits of detail with my own interpretations, which usually are not very kind ones.
Sitting in the unknown, is painful. It is such hard work, it is exhausting. And, it is common for autistic people to experience - daily!
What can help?
These unknowns are triggers for our sympathetic nervous system or ‘survival brain’. This branch activates fight/flight physical and psychological reactions when we are triggered, when we feel unsafe. Being in the unknown can feel hugely unsafe to the autistic nervous system for all the reasons stated above.
So, registering that, listening to the body, just noticing what is happening, and working with the hypothalamus to ignite the calming pedal of the parasympathetic nervous branch can be a helpful first step. Whether that is vagus nerve stimulation exercises, breathwork, counting, drawing, dancing, singing, movement, reading.. whatever you have learnt about what your nervous system needs to feel calmer and safer again (or testing out a few, if you don’t yet know).
When we are in a calmer state, we can start to engage ‘logical brain’ a little more. As Sonny Hallett writes in loops of concern, asking or writing down some questions about the unknown can be helpful. Writing down questions can bring some clarification to spiralling thoughts. And I do love clarification!
For me, I like to be analytical with my thoughts. I like to remind myself of the realities of what is going on - much like I am doing in this blog post.
I am reminding myself that I have a detailed and intricate nervous system, that really works and relishes on clarification. I am reminded that not everyone works that way! I remind myself of the real roots of those shameful thoughts I have about myself, and that shame is not mine, it was put there by a neuronormative society, they can have that back! I remind myself that I do have valid needs, and perhaps in this instance, I just need a bit of support and perhaps ask others around me to chase that doctor for me.
Giving myself detail, working out my thoughts, feelings, listening to my needs, can really help to demystify some of that murky grey fog. It might not give me all the detail and answers that I crave from the unknown, but it does give me a sense of self again, it does give me a bit more control, and sometimes a bit more clarification about what is going on. Ultimately, it gives myself a bit of a break from the internalised shame and a bit more acceptance and validation of my experiencing.
I write this, and you may be reading this, like I think any of it is easy. It definitely isn’t! This is years and years of work to understand my nervous system, to understand my internalised shame, my triggers, to work out what on earth my mindbody might need when that sympathetic nervous branch gets a bit too heavy on the acceleration pedal, to work out how I engage and feel a sense of safety again - and I am still working on it all.
The Fog of the Unknown is triggering, but I can at least understand why it is triggering now. I can at least gain clarification and feed my detailed monotropic nervous system on the why it impacts me so greatly. That in itself clears some of that murk out of it.
